One Year : A Memorial

Since my father had passed away, I lost my will to write. I lost my will to live.
The pain seems just like yesterday.
A year has passed, and next month would be his 1 year anniversary.


He passed on just a week before Christmas last year. For the first time in our lives, we didn't celebrate Christmas last year.
Now Christmas is just around the corner, all of the emotions came back again.
All of the memories came back again - how I reacted upon finding out the bad news from my sister, how my brother-in-law rushed us back to our hometown while I cried in the car, how I cried & sobbed when I saw my father in his coffin, how I handled his funeral, how I fought with the church people to give him a funeral mass in our church so that the priest would bless him, how I kept crying in my bed at night, how I kept a strong face in front of our relatives when I was only crying inside, how my heart cried while me & my sister carried his coffin into the church, how we were so grateful to our Priest that he was willing to conduct a mass for my father, how I broke down in my eldest uncle's car when we were accompanying my father for his last journey around his beloved hometown, how I teared up during his cremation process and how my mother cried for him, and how we made sure the whole funeral process went smoothly and we rested him at Nilai Memorial Park, as a final gift to him.


It pains me to write all these, can't hold back the tears at all, but I'm writing these with all my heart like how I have loved my father. There are so many regrets that I have now, and will continue to have these regrets for the rest of my life.


It makes me feel better to know that my father is happier in heaven now.


I know that my father is very forgiving, and I know that he has forgiven me.
But I still have not forgiven myself.





In Loving Memory of Peter Loh
(18 November 1945 - 19 December 2010)